TIME FOR A RANT

I avoid ranting as long as I can these days, but it builds up in me like the egg sac of a brown recluse. And then it's gotta blow. So, get ready, America (or the tiny little corner of America that's reading this):

Today’s rant was spurred by reading that conservatives are accusing liberals of being condescending and insulting to the “common people”, the tea party attendees, ignoring their wishes, sneering haughtily in their innocent upturned faces, the people with whom the Republicans are so empathetic, people who will go their entire lives without saying “with whom”, the veritable salt of the earth, whose salt our dear right wing friends lick with naked lust, while embracing them as blood brothers. 

What a crock of shit! The spittle has hardly dried from the presidential campaign, which was punctuated with the shrill complaints of the right that the mindless masses were being hypnotized and led away in lockstep by the empty celebrity of a master charlatan. Remember that, Republicans? You labeled the majority of voters in America dupes! What a convenient sweet amnesia you indulge in. And your lustbunny Sarah Palin has the gall to stand up and ask those who put their money on Hope and Change--the majority of American voters--”How’s that workin’ out for ya?” Have you asked yourselves at whose expense she’s laughing? Of course not. Introspection is a decadent luxury of the elite. Time to grab a pitchfork and storm the ramparts! But first make sure your bespoke suit is hanging safely in the closet--wouldn’t want to get mud on it.

MY SKI WEEKEND

You ski aficionados, or “snow bunnies”, will recognize this as Snowmess, one of the more exclusive ski resorts around. Y’all probably don’t know that I’m quite an accomplished skier, or “pin-head”. Yeah, I do my share of shredding and carving, but I also hurl carcass like a crazy man. I’ve been told I’m something of a show-dog or powderhound. Guilty as charged, your honor! Sure, I like to toss the goobers a Kodak moment or three, but what else are you supposed to do while waiting for the vermin to stop toilet-turning in front of the lift, man? Yeah, I love the life.There’s nothing like heading for the lodge with a leg cast and a snotsicle, knowing there’s a big cup of hot cocoa waiting for you. With marshmallows. 

I know what you’re thinking, but I swear on a stack of bibles that I was at the place pictured above yesterday. So get off my case! My case is getting all stove in with y’all’s footprints all over it. My PO is going to think I’m living out of my car again.

SCINTILLATING STARBUCKS CONVERSATION

I've never told anyone this, but I have a sketch trainer. He runs me through my cross-hatching drills every morning. A protein shake, a neck massage, a short nap, and then it's moleskine lifts, followed by a trip to Starbucks for some cardio sketching. No, that's not true. I don't have a sketch trainer. There's no such thing. I'm very sorry. Try to find it in your hearts to forgive me.

SUNDAY MORNING TALKING HEADS

NEW FACEBOOK QUIZ

CAN'T GO WRONG WITH NUTS 2010

I believe the Republican Party is trying out its new slogan on a local level, to see how it flies. I like it!

COFFEE AND A GOOD BOOK AT FAIRGROUNDS

Is there any greater pleasure than settling down with a good book and a nice hot cup of coffee? Well, of course there is, we're not fools here. There's your bucatini all'amatriciana, The Daily Show, a check for $780 in the mail, a good dump, a Swedish dollhouse (for some folks), a new set of blackout curtains, café au lait at the Croissant d'Or, an illustrated version of Genesis by R. Crumb, slipping on the ice and thinking you're going to smack the back of your head for sure but you catch yourself just in time, finding a twenty in your jacket that you didn't know you had, getting bought a free martini even if it isn't Boodles, looking in the mirror and seeing that your hair doesn't look like an over-the-hill celebrity's mug shot, finding some Reddi-Wip in the fridge that you didn't know you had, discovering that the H1N1 shot didn't hurt at all, not having a boss, mashing that flea in your ear with a Q-tip, finding out that $5 bottle of wine isn't half bad, being introduced to Steve Buscemi by your Brooklyn friends because they know how much you would like to meet Steve Buscemi and being good friends that's what they would do (that one's still on my to-do list), finding a giant diamond on the sidewalk, sharing morning breath with someone, having your family doctor tell you that he can't explain it but the tests show that you're immortal, having a drawing turn out good, having someone tell you your drawing turned out good even when you know it didn't, scratching that scratch, waking up to find that you have super powers, waking up to find that nobody left a severed horse's head in your bed, having bad weather cancel a local appearance by Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck, not having watched Lost, listening to Johnny Dowd sing A Picture From Life's Other Side. And I haven't even touched upon the whole panoply of sexual activities. So I guess you see my point. You can just come down off your high horse, Mr. Good-Book Reader.

FIGURE DRAWING GROUP

It's not all beautiful models, oh no, there's a seamy side to figure drawing too. As a conscientious sketchojournalist, I feel obligated to turn the pad in the opposite direction and reveal the institution's dark underside.

FIGURE DRAWING GROUP

Tonight at Shuck's I was introduced to Alice's Propellor, which, as it approaches the event horizon, has a little propellor attached to it, and it's blurry, which proves...well, I don't know what it proves, either because I was treated to a free martini, or because I was listening in on a MEGA-NERD conversation.  But it was either that or hear about Penis Night After Parties, which was a no-brainer. And we wonder why no women join us at Shuck's anymore!

TWO UNFINISHED MEN

I have one of these little laser pen things. We got it to play with Bernice, but she just looks away with disdain. Most disappointing, though, is its inability to burn holes through stuff. I aimed it at a woman at the supermarket for a good three minutes, and all I got was a little smoldering on her puffy down jacket. What about the ability to zip one across someone's midsection, and they just stand there for a moment and then their top half topples off? I know they have those, I've seen them in the movies.

BURGEONING WHATCHAMACALLIT

I love it when shit burgeons. Not shit shit, just shit. When ardor burgeons, it's a good thing, and not just for the burgeonees. The world is just a teeny bit happier place when someone burgeons. We used to have a saying in 5th grade: "When things burgeon, no more virgin." But I was in Advanced Placement.

LEFT-HANDED DRAWING, RIGHT-HANDED DRAWING

Just trying to decide which half of my brain I like better, in case I ever have to choose. I can't imagine a situation where I might have to choose, but that could be due to a deficiency in my brain, which would cause it to lose value on the open market, if I ever had to sell half of it. But which half? You see my dilemma. I think I prefer the left-handed drawing, which if I understand it correctly, would emanate from my right brain, which fact provides further evidence that intelligent design is a load of hot possum shit, in my mind at least, but which half of my mind? I don't want to sell the good half, and be left with the dumb half. I might start believing in death panels!

View one of these larger here. I forget which one. Uh-oh.

SNOW IN THE BACKYARD

One good thing about drawing snow scenes is you can leave a lot of space blank. Artists are basically lazy, or else you'd find us working down to the Ford plant or whatnot. Instead of losing appendages in machinery or listening to assholes say "How's that report coming, Taylor?" we get to sit around playing with paints, a skill we pretty much mastered in kindergarten. And we can't get laid off, cause we don't have jobs! Ha ha ha, America! The only thing we haven't quite worked out is the money part. That kind of sucks.

View in all its magnificent largerness here.

SUNDAY MORNING TALKING HEADS

SOMETIMES I QUESTION MY SKILL AT CHOOSING DRAWING TOPICS

REPORTAGE

What do you know! It really did snow. And it's still coming down. It's a freakin' winter wonderland ova heah. I don't know what made me want to imitate a New Yorker. My apologies.

SNOW IN THE FORECAST

Pennsylvanians wouldn't have given it a second thought. Minnesotans would have said, "Finally! A break in the weather!" But when Hampton Roadsians heard there might be snow tonight, they hopped into their SUVs and headed for the store to stock up on provisions for the few hours they may be housebound. From the looks of us, though, it wouldn't have hurt any of us to miss a meal. As for me, I was there on an emergency mission: I had waited until the last possible moment to change Bernice's litter. Some of my cattier and olfactory-sensitiver neighbors might have opined that I had waited quite a bit longer than that, but I've had it with their opining, if you want to know the truth. Anyway, when I removed the lid to her litter box (the lidded box was the gift of a houseguest--kind of a strange gift, isn't it? Don't know what was up with that), I discovered a cat-poop Mount Rushmore in there. I think I even made out John Boehner's craggy profile, although the day he makes it onto Mount Rushmore is the day I hop a freighter for East Timor. As for making it through the blizzard, I just checked the larder. Two bottles of 120-minute IPA. I'm good.

Click here to see the hatching in all its glory.

NEW BOOK!

Well, I'm just turning into another Rupert What's-his-dock, aren't I? I've become aware that my pundit-watching energies are flagging, and I don't know how many more of these I have in me, so I decided I'd better anthologize these, quick-like. Once again, I've reduced my profit and passed the savings on to you. This one should be well under $10, I think.

Go here to preview and order.

POST-SoTU LETDOWN

You could see it on their faces. The dull realization that, in spite of Obama's speech last night, the Republicans still hold their 41% majority. That I have to watch John Boehner, who last night looked like he hadn't had a good BM in months, tell me why he's not going to allow us to have universal health care. That Samuel Alito and company, whom Obama so satisfyingly stared down last night, still get to wreak havoc on the electoral process. Remember when conservatives used to howl about "activist judges"? For that matter, remember when Republicans used to say they were doing what was good for the country, and not following the whims of the latest opinion polls? I'm old enough to remember the Civil Rights Act of 1964. It was by no means universally popular, and its passage was not guaranteed. And it was the John Boehners and Lindsay Grahams of the world who filibustered against it. We should make them have to do it again.

RETURN TO FIGURE DRAWING GROUP

Good to know that very little has changed. Artmark was a little more skinheady and Doug was a little more bad-moody, but aside from that, things were pretty much as I had left them a while back. And Shucks was just as po'-boy-sandwichy as I remembered. A good time was had by all. Except Doug, of course.